Don't Step on the Ducks

Three women asked St. Peter at the the Pearly Gates for entry, but got a surprise condition: Don't step on the ducks.

"What have we got to loose?" the three agreed. So they signed the consent form-- and the gates opened. The place was more than they expected. Eye has not seen nor ear heard the joys that the Lord prepares for those who loved him.

There were also ducks all over. A week later, one lady got careless and trampled on a duck. In a split second, St. Peter appeared. Without word, he handcuffed the erring lady to the ugliest man they've seen and left.

Three days later, the second lady squashed a duck. In a split second, the same drilled happened. Only this time, the other end of the handcuff was uglier. 

The third woman became very careful. Months passed without incident. Suddenly, St. Peter appeared with a strikingly handsome man.

"Is this a reward?" the woman cooed.

"I don't know about you lady," the man said. "But I stepped on a duck."

Truth of the Matter

Here's another joke emailed to me by a friend:

There were two evil bothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. A fund- raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of  sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check needed to finish paying for the new building.

I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say that my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said, "He cheated on his wife and abused his family". After going on like this, he finally concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Life Has Now Been Explained

On the first day, God created the dog. God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said, " that's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and l'll give you back the other 10." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, "entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I will give you a 20-year life span.". The monkey said, How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do too, okay?". And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow. God said, "you must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years," The cow said, "that's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 and I'll give back the 40". God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you 20 years." Man said, "what? Only 20 years! Tell you what, I'll take my 20, and the 40 the cow gave back, and the 10 the monkey gave back and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?" "Okay", said God, "you've got a deal".

So that is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves; for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;  and for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Wisdom of the Innocent

A teacher of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now class, observe closely the worms," said the teacher putting the first worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in the water as can be.

The second worm, he put into into the glass of whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

One kid raised his hand and responded, "Drink whiskey and you don't get worms."

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."

The husband then turned to his wife wife and asked, 'What?'

Pinoy Power

After digging a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a thousand years ago.